MW 'I've yelled, screamed and cried': My mother gave $400K to online scammers. She still gives them Apple gift cards. What can I do?

By Quentin Fottrell

'I have been living a nightmare with my mother for seven years'

Dear Quentin,

I read your response to this woman who was scammed and is still waiting by the phone. I have been living a nightmare with my mother for seven years. They came through Facebook $(META)$ and had several different names; they took her for over $400,000 and, to this day, she is still sending Apple gift cards. She now lives with me, but she is still beholden to these scam artists who are relentless.

I have called the cops. I have called the FBI. I have called the local sheriff for internet fraud with zero help; they told me there's nothing they can do. I have yelled, screamed and cried. She does not care. I called a lawyer and they said it would be very difficult because she is of sound mind.

She knows what she is doing and she is choosing to make bad decisions. I have tons of proof to back it all up. I am at a loss on how to go after these guys. They use gift cards and crypto to make her take out loans; she has even given out my address. I want to throw her out, but she has nowhere to go, and gets too much a month for senior living.

The Son

Related: I was invited to join a VIP investment club. It promoted bitcoin and other crypto - that's when the trouble started.

Dear Son,

She is a victim.

Keep telling yourself that. Tell your mom that too. Show her compassion and understanding instead of anger. The latter will only make her put her guard up higher. Somewhere, deep down, she knows none of this is real, but this is the ultimate and most devastating part of this kind of financial scam. They build a fake reality for a vulnerable person, or anyone who has their guard down at a weak or even distracted moment - when they're alone, tired, lonely, sad, fearful - and it's hard to admit to oneself and others that you are the victim of a crime. Only then can family members, banks and others help. It's an elaborate, toxic suspension of disbelief.

Imagine how difficult it would be to acknowledge that, even and especially to a close family member, knowing the disappointment and disbelief you will see on their face. Scammers are offering her a promise of human connection and the hope of another life that she is willing to do anything to keep alive. There is so much we don't know about the psychological trauma of such scams, and the illusion con artists create. Your mother may also be a victim of the "sunken-cost fallacy," the more you give, the harder it is to admit that she's been had. Your mother may be of sound mind, for example, but she may also be depressed.

This is not dissimilar to someone who gambles or misuses alcohol. The big difference is there is a third party or parties who are putting pressure on this person to continue. You can help by freezing your mother's credit report, putting two-factor authentication on all her accounts, monitoring her access to the internet, contacting her bank, credit-card company and doctor to inform them of the ongoing risk, and trying to create stronger real-life social networks through local retirement groups or bridge clubs etc. Some local law-enforcement organizations provide free tutorials for seniors on financial scams; this could help provide a breakthrough for your mother.

Anyone can fall victim

Most of the advice around elder scams are preventative, either before it happens or preventing it from happening again, and don't focus on the people who are in denial. She lives with you, so perhaps you have more interventions at your disposal than most: You could make an appointment with your mother for a therapist, or a bank manager to explain what's happening and try to break the "spell," and/or a family intervention in the same way one would do so for an addict. The $400,000 may be long gone, but your main aim is to bring some kind of peace of mind and tell your mother that there's nothing to be ashamed of. People fall for these scams. It's human.

Those who fall prey to sustained financial scams don't necessarily have cognitive impairment or dementia. It can happen across all ages and education levels and professions. Even lawyers can fall prey to these scams. Imagine how difficult it would be for a member of the legal profession to acknowledge that they, who are paid by others to fix this kind of financial malfeasance, have fallen victim themselves? The second-most horrible thing about being scammed is the ridicule the rest of society heaps on those who talk about their experience.

The second most horrible thing about being scammed is the ridicule from others.

You're not the only one whose parents were taken by these predators. Rory Macleod, a writer who is now working on a book about his mother's life and death, and the romance scams she fell prey to, wrote about the complex emotional quandary that families must navigate with this kind of financial fraud. She hinted at it once, but he didn't push it. "Because of that decision, though, we never got to hear the story of how our mother got scammed by three separate men," he wrote in Time magazine. "All we got were fragments of it, told to us by her accountant and bankers, as well as some records we found in her garage."

He spoke to criminologists, and many victims, and he realized that a financial assault is like a physical assault in that it's happening to the person, and we must stop blaming the victim. "If we're ever going to stop these crimes from happening, we need to stop blaming people for the actions of criminals and start treating them like victims of a crime," he said. "Maybe then more victims will come forward. Maybe then our lawmakers will enact smarter laws and our banks and social-media companies will do more to protect the public. Maybe then we'll provide more resources to victims, more mental-health services, more compassion and support."

Taking protective action

It's not easy to help someone when that person tells you they don't need your help. A last resort: a conservatorship or guardianship, which varies from state to state, can help protect an elderly relative from financial scams. "With the control granted to court-appointed individuals, they have the authority to monitor bank accounts, handle investments, pay bills and prevent unauthorized access to funds," says Von Keller Thelin, a law firm based in Manassas, Va. "Scammers often prey on the elderly by convincing them to make hasty or uninformed decisions."

"A guardian's or conservator's involvement can act as a buffer, requiring that significant decisions receive approval from someone with their best interests at heart," the law firm adds. "As an added layer of protection, guardians and conservators are typically required to provide regular reports to the court on the ward's well-being and financial status. This accountability helps ensure that their affairs are being managed properly." You want to prevent your mother from going into debt over more scams. However, it also warns: "This can be time-consuming, emotionally challenging and potentially contentious among family members."

For others who suspect an elderly relative is being scammed or on the brink of being scammed, contact the National Elder Fraud Hotline at 833-372-8311 or legal services and Adult Protective Services. Visit the Eldercare Locator or call toll-free at 1-800-677-1116. Read more here about preventing scams. The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority has this guide. You can also file a report with the Internet Crime Complaint Center, a division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Other resources include the National Center on Elder Abuse, a government agency affiliated with the U.S. Administration on Aging, and the nonprofit National Adult Protective Services Association.

You may be the only person standing between your mother and the next Apple $(AAPL)$ gift card.

Related: I lost $240,000 after a 'friend' I met on Instagram encouraged me to invest in crypto. Can I write off my loss?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

I fell victim to an online dating scam. I'm $27,000 in debt. 'Without commenting on my obvious stupidity, how do I recover from this?'

'I want to enjoy the rest of my years': I'm 65, retired and own my home. I have $300,000 to invest. What should I do with it?

'She's the queen of CDs': My mother-in-law, 83, opened 12 CDs at different financial institutions. Should I intervene?

Check out The Moneyist's private Facebook group, where members help answer life's thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.

-Quentin Fottrell

This content was created by MarketWatch, which is operated by Dow Jones & Co. MarketWatch is published independently from Dow Jones Newswires and The Wall Street Journal.

(END) Dow Jones Newswires

March 06, 2025 06:05 ET (11:05 GMT)

Copyright (c) 2025 Dow Jones & Company, Inc.