MW I met a friend for lunch. When the check arrived, she said, 'Thank you so much for paying!' Was I taken for a fool?

By Quentin Fottrell

'She had just completed four years of college and I had chosen the path of working in corporate American instead'

Dear Quentin,

I just read your reply about the carpooler who wondered whether they should contribute to the gas even though the driver would have his expenses reimbursed by the company. You also shared a story about a friend who took the check to have his employer reimburse it, even though you split the bill 50/50.

Since you like the tea, I thought I might share a story that happened to me. A female high-school friend and I had decided to reunite and have lunch. She was always very kind and I thought we could have a lasting friendship. I hadn't seen her in a couple years and thought this could be fun.

She had just completed four years of college and I had chosen the path of working in corporate American instead. She was employed at a local high school as a teacher and I was working at the local television station in sales for two years. We both chose the restaurant and had a great lunch. It was so nice to catch up on our families and everything.

Then the bill came. Since this was not a "date" it should have been assumed we would split the bill, right? I never carried cash (still don't) and pulled out my Amex card to pay my half. To my complete surprise, she stood up and declared (I will NEVER forget this), "Oh, thank you so much for paying! It was great to see you!" and out the door she went.

What in hell just happened? When was it assumed I was her cash register? I had no expense report, and the bill was all mine. Well, thanks. I just looked her up (literally yesterday) and she's been at that same high school.

I imagine her income is up there. I should call her, set up lunch and walk out - leaving her with the bill. Yes, like you, we never forget. I hate that - I wish I could forget. Was I taken for a fool?

The Former Friend

Related: 'He claims to be a nihilist': I told my friend to sell his Tesla shares. He did not appreciate my advice. Was I wrong?

Dear Friend,

I've heard of Irish exits, but this one takes the briosca. (That's Gaelic for biscuit.)

Friendships exist for many reasons. Usually, you have things in common - school, work, college, neighborhood or even politics (and, if you don't have politics in common, you generally refrain from arguing about it). You make each other laugh and/or you are sensitive to each other's feelings and have smart insights into each other's experiences. The litmus test is that you should, ideally, feel more - not less - energized and happy after you meet. That's usually because your personalities complement each other. It's a meeting of minds that's written in the stars.

But external influences can upset the apple cart, including social status, jobs and especially money. Here's a bizarre and slightly weird "statistic," courtesy of Bread Financial: $(BFH)$ 21% of respondents in a survey say they have lost a friendship over money, while 26% said they feel they are financially incompatible with their friends. Money can create division, jealousy, feelings of insecurity and envy and, as you experienced, expectation and false assumption. You were working in corporate America, presumably making a good living; your friend had just started as a high-school teacher.

Our experiences have one thing in common: our respective silence. I had dinner with a friend who took the receipt for his work expenses after I paid 50% of the bill. I could have spoken up and said, "If you're getting reimbursed for this dinner, the least you can do is pay for the entire meal. Otherwise, you're being a cheapskate." I weighed up the price of the meal and the awkwardness of the interaction, and decided to let it slide. That may have been a mistake given that I still remember it all these years later. You, too, sat in shock and awe as your friend turned on her heels and left.

The biggest revelation I had reading your letter: It's time for us to let these experiences with penny-pinching friends go!

But these incidents also differ in one important way: intention. Your friend could have genuinely believed that you were picking up the tab. It may have been presumptuous, but it could have been a misunderstanding; her mistake was to jump to conclusions prematurely in good faith. My fellow definitely intended to "double dip" - allow me to pay for my bill even though he was taking the receipt to get reimbursed by his employer. But the biggest revelation I had reading your letter: It's time for us to let it go!

Your experience also raises an uncomfortable financial issue for both of you. She had just started as a high-school teacher and, after four years of college, was likely not in as good financial shape as you. The average annual wage for high-school teachers hovers around $73,800. The annual salary ranges from $48,040 to $106,380, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. In other words, your friend could have believed you were taking her out to lunch, given her (compared to you) modest postcollege wage.

I've had quite a few letters over the years about splitting the check. There was the man whose friend sucker-punched him into paying for a $150 sushi feast because his friend had wrangled two free tickets to a concert, and he expected to be treated royally for the favor. The reason that worked is because we are often at our most socially anxious when we're sitting in a restaurant, which is one reason - and this is a theory - people act strangely, speak loudly and appear to perform for the other guests. (Another reason is the consumption of alcohol.)

Your friend sounds like a good egg. I like that she has been at the same high school for many years. Teaching kids is a fulfilling yet tough job, and not everyone is cut out for it. Teachers earn every one of their days off in the summer (for those who can afford to take summers off, that is, and not work side hustles to earn extra dough). For all our analysis and reflecting on past matters of financial etiquette, I have a feeling that if we met our respective friends again, neither of them would even remember.

Let's both raise an imaginary glass of champagne to them, put it on our virtual tabs, and wish them well.

Related: Should I wear my Trump MAGA hat to work?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'I can't deal with managing them': I juggle 18 credit cards. How do I close them without ruining my credit score?

'It's the saddest thing': I'm happily retired and my friends in their 60s want to know how I did it. Should I tell them my secret?

'My father was a teetotaling, fair-minded, liberal-leaning capitalist': And yet I allowed 'friends' to borrow $120K. How do I deal with the fallout?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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March 23, 2025 06:08 ET (10:08 GMT)

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