MW My stepmother inherited 100% of my father's estate. She's leaving everything to her two kids. Is that fair?

By Quentin Fottrell

'I had a wonderful relationship with my father'

Dear Quentin,

My dad passed away last year. He had a very standard will that he made with his fourth wife 25 years ago. He sent me a letter many years ago stating that he had set up an account for me, with the account number and a phone number to call, so I was the beneficiary of one of his accounts. He also told me that when he passed, his money would go to his fourth wife, and upon her passing, his money would return to me.

There's no record of a pour-over will or any other documentation. He never even mentioned it to his wife. He always reassured me that I would never have to worry. They kept separate money and they paid for everything separately, including vacations, household expenses, etc., so I decided to have a conversation with my stepmother asking her if I'm going to be in her will, because she talks about how she's leaving everything to her two children.

I had a wonderful relationship with my father as well as my stepmother. Unfortunately, she doesn't see it the same way I do. And yes, I have spoken to an attorney, and he basically said that there's nothing I can do except to speak to her and explain to her why some of the money should come back to me. I do understand it is her money and, without additional documentation, I only have my father's word. I also believe you only have a few months to contest a will.

Is that fair? Where do you think his money should go?

This eats away at me every day. My stepmother lives really close by. Any advice would be very appreciated.

Stepson

Related: One of my 3 children died - and left behind a child. I also have a second grandkid. What is the fairest way to divide my estate?

Dear Stepson,

Your stepmother, whether she is your father's first, second, third or fourth wife, spent 25 years of her life with him and for that reason alone, she is calling the shots and will distribute her assets according to her wishes. I don't know how contentious the discussion with your stepmother was, but from your letter it seems like you either got a firm "no," an unsettling "maybe" or no resolution at all. It took me a long time to learn to say: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's change the subject." If your stepmother used that line, I can hardly blame her.

Your father is really the one who is responsible for this stalemate with your stepmother. If he genuinely wanted to leave you a share of his wealth, he would have done so. Oftentimes, the reasons for not leaving behind a solid estate plan are boring ones. He may not have wanted to have a disagreement with his wife and, as a result, acquiesced to her preference to leave it to her to distribute the estate; they were together for a quarter of a century, after all. Or he might have believed doing things this way saved him time and effort. Or he could have simply "forgotten."

Millions of people never receive one red cent from their parents - because their parents simply didn't have anything left to give, or they chose not to - and those people still do very well in life.

Given that your stepmother has two other children, it seems "fair" - to you, if not to your stepmother - to receive a third of her estate when she passes. But stepchildren are not legal heirs under the law, and the law is designed to represent a degree of fairness. One exception: If you are listed as a beneficiary on a bank account or life-insurance policy, you will receive the funds. Beneficiaries trump wills, because it's a private contract between you and the financial institution, so your father could not leave something to his wife that has someone else as a named beneficiary.

I received another letter, similar to yours, where a man in his 60s, who was financially independent, wanted to have a talk with his 90-year-old stepmother for the same reasons. In this case, I advised against it. The writer was 60, and his stepmother, at 90, did not need a battle royale over her estate. In your case, the most positive part of your letter is that you appear to have had a civil conversation with your stepmother. I'm assuming that no mention of voices raised in anger means there was a civilized, even if curt, discussion.

As I said to that writer, no relationship can be built on resentment or money. Scratch that: No "healthy" relationship can be built on resentment or money. So if you get along with your stepmother, let go of the money you believe should have come to you, and use this as an opportunity to make changes to your budget in order to reach your own retirement goals on your own, without the inheritance. Millions of people never receive one red cent from their parents - because their parents simply didn't have anything left to give, or they chose not to - and those people still do very well in life.

You are joining those honorable ranks.

Related: 'My wife and I are very grateful': Our son wants to pay off our mortgage before we retire. Will this backfire?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life's thorniest money issues. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:

Will my second wife be able to access my money if I transfer it to my retirement account?

'Is this ethical?' I want to leave my home to my children from my first marriage - and not to my second husband.

'We have no prenuptial agreement': Will my wife be able to take my money if I transfer it to my retirement account?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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March 13, 2025 05:05 ET (09:05 GMT)

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